March 2026
by Rebecca Peters
“I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do.”
How would you respond if a daughter or friend shared news of an unexpected pregnancy with you?
Many of us would be frozen with panic or fear. And after that, our first instinct is likely to fix the situation or offer advice.
But what if your first response should be different? Your first response can either increase fear and shame, or create safety and encourage hope. Your first response matters.
Why Your First Response Matters in an Unexpected Pregnancy
Many women make their pregnancy decision within days of finding out they are pregnant.1 A woman’s first response to an unexpected pregnancy is often fear. This is understandable.
Most of us can remember a time in our lives when we were afraid of an outcome or making the wrong decision. We can look back now and see how feelings of fear or panic clouded our logic and almost made it impossible to see things objectively. What we needed was space to breathe and to sort out all our thoughts and feelings about the situation. We may have needed someone who would really listen — not agree with our fears, and not tell us what to do.
Advice may be our first instinct when someone tells us of a problem, but listening should be our first response. The most helpful thing we can do is provide a safe place where fears, pressures, values, and beliefs can be voiced, and ultimately a decision can be made, from a place of security and hope, not fear.
“If people can’t access their hope, they live by their fear.” Joan Williams
Responding with L.O.V.E. to an Unexpected Pregnancy
L — Listen First. The first step in responding with L.O.V.E. is to listen and seek to understand. Instead of telling her what to do and what her experience should be, we must first listen and hear what she is experiencing. Let her express her thoughts and feelings about the pregnancy, herself, and her future.
It’s ok to ask questions as you listen. Asking open-ended questions can deepen your understanding and help her to explore how she really feels. You can ask things like:
- What are you feeling — physically? emotionally?
- What is your biggest concern?
- What do you need most right now?
If you are willing to sit and listen, you communicate that she has worth and value — that she matters.
O — Encourage Her to be Open. After you have listened, you can help her sort out what is in her head and what is in her heart.
When faced with an unexpected pregnancy, a woman can often feel conflicted. Her heart may already feel some excitement or love for this baby, but her head may be filled with the problems and pressures this pregnancy could bring.
Conflicting thoughts and feelings can be simplified by dividing them into three categories: circumstances, perceptions, and values.
Circumstances and pressures feel very real and can’t be ignored, so it’s important to identify them. This is the time to acknowledge the circumstances, while also acknowledging that circumstances can change in a week or a year, so it’s important that we don’t make decisions solely based on current circumstances.
Perceptions are the views she may have about her life, as well as what it will be like. It can be helpful to identify each perception, explore whether it is accurate, and consider other possibilities. Perceptions can be wrong and mislead us if they are based on fear, misinformation, or a lack of resources.
Values are what’s in her heart — her conscience, instinct, and beliefs. It’s important to identify what her values are because our values tend not to change over time.
When making a significant life decision, it can be helpful to consider our values rather than base it solely on circumstances or perceptions. Choosing to acknowledge and honour what’s in her heart is a healthy way to empower and respect herself.
V — Remind Her of Her Value. Now you have an opportunity to address the fear, stress, and uncertainty she may be feeling. This is the time to speak truth into her life.
These are some truths she needs to know:
- She does not have to make this decision alone
- It’s normal to feel everything she has been feeling — the positive and the negative
- This does not define her
- Her future may change, but it is not over
- She has value and she is loved
E — Empower Her with Real Support. How do you support someone experiencing an unexpected pregnancy? You help them in any and every way possible. This may look like:
- Go to appointments with them
- Be with her when she tells her family or friends
- Help her find a pregnancy care centre
- Stay connected and show her she is not alone
Support is not telling her what to do or how she should feel. Support is coming alongside. When faced with what feels like an impossible situation, sometimes all we need is one person to be in it with us and say, “I believe in you.” You can be that person.
Your First Response
Your first response to the news of an unexpected pregnancy matters. However, you don’t need perfect words and you don’t need to know all the answers. You have everything you need for the right response — your presence and a heart that cares.
And, you are not in this alone. We are here to support you!
Where to Find Support for an Unexpected Pregnancy
If you are unsure where to find information on her options and the support available, a pregnancy care centre can help! Pregnancy Care Canada also provides tools and resources for family members and friends who want to support someone facing an unexpected pregnancy.
PCC-affiliated pregnancy care centres provide free pregnancy tests, accurate information on all three options (abortion, adoption, and parenting), ongoing free support, and referrals.
You can find a pregnancy care centre near you on the PCC website: pregnancycarecanada.ca/find-a-centre.
- Finer LB, Frohwirth LF, Dauphinee LA, Singh S, Moore AM. Timing of steps and reasons for delays in obtaining abortions in the United States. Contraception. 2006 Oct;74(4):334-44. doi: 10.1016/j.contraception.2006.04.010. Epub 2006 Jun 30. PMID: 16982236 ↩︎