October 2024
by Linda Herron
Understanding the Heartache of Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Jessica and Cole had been trying to conceive for three years. When they finally saw the positive pregnancy test, they were overjoyed. They called their parents and shared the news with their closest friends. They started planning for the future, the baby’s room, and names for this child they already loved so much.
Then, Jessica began to bleed. An ultrasound revealed that she was having a miscarriage. Jessica and Cole wanted to know why this was happening and what they might have done wrong. They grieved the loss of not only their baby but their shared dreams for the future. They wondered if they would ever be able to have a child. Jessica worried that there was something wrong with her.
The loss of a pregnancy is a heartbreaking experience that can have a significant emotional impact on both parents and family members. This loss can bring immense grief and sorrow, feelings of shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Parents may also experience feelings of isolation, emptiness, and a sense of loss of the future they had envisioned with their child. It can be challenging to navigate through the range of those complex emotions. Miscarriages are a common form of personal tragedy that couples go through in their early years.
Miscarriage and Early Pregnancy Loss
Pregnancy loss often refers to the unexpected loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. You may hear any of the following names for this loss: miscarriage, early pregnancy loss, mid-trimester pregnancy loss, fetal demise, or spontaneous abortion.
20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. The risk of pregnancy loss declines with each week of pregnancy. About 87% of people who have miscarriages have subsequent normal pregnancies and births. Having a miscarriage does not mean a person has a fertility problem. Most occur because of a chromosomal abnormality, not because of something the mother did.[i]
Stillbirth
A stillbirth happens when the fetus dies after week 20 of the pregnancy. Stillbirths can have multiple causes, including problems with the placenta or umbilical cord, genetic conditions that affect the fetus or pregnancy complications.[ii]
It is common to experience different levels of trauma with any pregnancy loss. After experiencing a stillbirth, one mom said that her body “felt like a tomb.” A stillbirth is a traumatizing event that may require a lot of time and a strong support network to grieve.
Infant Death
About 3.7 out of 1,000 babies born in Canada will not live past their first birthday. The leading causes of infant deaths are immaturity (not fully grown), congenital disabilities (structural or functional), severe lack of oxygen, infection, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).[iii]
The loss of an infant can have psychological impacts on parents and caregivers.
Many people who experience pregnancy or infant loss may never have had any experience of loss to this degree before. This can leave parents feeling unable to deal with all that they are facing. It can be an isolating experience, exacerbated by family and friends who are unable to acknowledge the pain in a helpful way.
Coping with Loss
The feelings of grief after a pregnancy or infant loss can be confusing and may not even seem related to the loss. They may include shock, denial, bargaining, depression, loss of meaning, anger, and others. These feelings will not come in any order and may occur when least expected. It is essential that those experiencing loss give themselves permission to grieve and express their emotions in a healthy way.
Connecting with others who have experienced infant loss can provide a sense of community and understanding. As well, family, friends, local churches, support groups, mental health professionals, or a local pregnancy care centre can offer emotional support and guidance.
Supporting Those in Grief
Supporting someone going through infant loss requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Here are some ways to do that:
- Listen and validate their feelings. Allow them to express their emotions without judgment. Validate their grief and let them know it is okay to feel whatever they are feeling. Avoid minimizing their pain or offering unsolicited advice.
- Be present and available. Check in regularly to see how they are doing but respect their need for space if they need time alone. Be available to listen or talk whenever they are ready to open up.
- Avoid clichés or platitudes. Avoid saying things like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’ll get over it with time.” It is okay to say, “I have no words, but I am here for you.” Offer sincere condolences and express your willingness to be there for them in any way they need.
- Learn how to help. Often, those grieving don’t know what they need, so answering your, “Let me know how I can help,” isn’t something they can do. Instead, offer to help with daily tasks, accompany them to appointments; or assist with making arrangements related to the loss.
- Educate yourself. Learn about the grieving process and common reactions to infant loss. Find out about resources, support groups, and counselling services that may be helpful for them. Your local pregnancy care centre can provide this information.
- Remember significant dates. Be mindful of important dates like the baby’s birthday, due date, or the anniversary of their passing. Reach out on these days to offer your support and acknowledge their feelings.
- Respect their grieving process. Understand that everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Respect their coping mechanisms and allow them to navigate their grief in a way that feels right for them.
Author and grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt refers to the support we give a grieving person as “companioning,” a Latin word that means getting into the mess with them, not as an advice giver but side by side with them.[iv]
Pregnancy Care Centres
Pregnancy care centres play a crucial role in facilitating healing after infant loss, including miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, and adoption. The following are some ways that centres support individuals and families through these difficult experiences:
- Provide compassionate and nonjudgmental support by offering a safe space for individuals to express their emotions and share their experiences without fear of judgment. Staff and volunteers receive training in the grief process, so they will listen with empathy and offer validation and support throughout the healing process.
- Staff and volunteers can educate individuals about the grieving process and common reactions to infant loss, including the specific implications of miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, and adoption. They can provide information on support groups, counselling services, and other resources to assist in the healing journey.
- Pregnancy care centres offer a healing environment where the physical space is welcoming, comforting, and conducive to healing. It is a peaceful atmosphere for individuals seeking support.
- Centre personnel will encourage self-care practices such as journaling, mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques, and physical well-being to help individuals cope with grief and stress. They can provide resources on self-care strategies to support their emotional, physical, and mental well-being during the healing process.
- Many pregnancy care centres facilitate support groups and one-on-one support for individuals who have experienced infant loss, allowing them to connect with others who share similar experiences and offer mutual support.
- Centre staff and volunteers can assist in memorializing and honouring the loss through rituals, ceremonies, or commemorative activities. They can offer guidance on creating keepsakes, memory boxes, or other tangible and meaningful reminders.
All pregnancy care centre personnel acknowledge and respect the diverse range of emotions, beliefs, and decisions individuals may have regarding their experience of infant loss and will support and validate each person, regardless of their circumstances, choices, or personal beliefs surrounding their loss.
By implementing these supportive strategies and practices, pregnancy care centres play a vital role in aiding individuals and families in their healing journey after experiencing infant loss, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or adoption. Providing compassionate care, resources, and a supportive environment can help individuals navigate their grief and find healing and solace in the midst of their loss.
If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, reaching out for support can be a crucial step in the healing journey. Visit https://pregnancycarecanada.ca/looking-for-help/find-a-centre/ to find a PCC-affiliated pregnancy care centre near you.
[i] https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9688-miscarriage (Accessed October 2024)
[ii] https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9685-stillbirth (Accessed October 2024)
[iii] https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/science-research-data/inequalities-infant-mortality-infographic.html (Accessed October 2024)
[iv] https://www.massfda.org/Files/Griefwords%20-%20Caregivers%20Hospice/Companioning%20the%20Bereaved.pdf (Accessed October 2024)